Dreams, Wishes, Future...

       I love to dream. I love exploring my self-conscious and gaining insight into the mysteries I wasn't even aware were pulling on my conscious. Dreams are my mind's way of processing the world around me and even when they don't make sense, I embrace them...

        My dreams can be the beginning of a story I had no idea needed writing or could be just the thing I needed to get that scene just right. They spark that part of me that believes magic is real, aliens exist, and an open mind is the only way in which to live.

         Sometimes my only faith can be found in God and in dreams...

Take for instance Saturday (January 27, 2018, can you believe we are in 2018?) I was in bed completely exhausted. I'd been cooking for the week ahead, researching for my latest project, and writing all day... Not usually the combination for dream territory, but I gave in and shut down everything, and gave into the feeling. I fell alseep thinking about "Jenna".

She was the wallflower used to living her life in the shadows. She was used to life passing her by. Used to not trying, because it was easier than failing.

        She was the child of two people who never would have had her if they had not taken the risk to be together. Her parents had been Adventurers and she was caution incarnate. She was ready for more. Ready to jump off the cliff and find out whether she could fly. She was a story ready to be written and I wanted to be the person to write her.

        I wanted to be the person who got to know her and to be there when she found her purpose in the world. In my dreams, she's an outline. The promise of a story sure to get my synapsis firing,

        It was the same when I wrote Dessani Queen, Wintr's Homecoming, Witch's Reflection, or She Gets What She Wants. I just knew she was something worth exploring.

Dreams, stories, and books can be heartbreaking. They can be unfulfilled wishes. They can be the future yet to come. But boy-oh-boy can they be fun to read.

        "Jenna" is and was a story I knew I would create. She is the kinder Jinx. The more timid Makayla. At the beginning of her growing awareness feminity and her own strength as a woman, she is learning just how exciting life could be when making the "right" choice wasn't always the way to get to her objective. She was a heroine and I couldn't wait to see how her story shaped out.

        How crazy is it, that I can dream something and feel so certain that it was meant to be shared? That by placing pen to paper I am sharing a part of myself to the outside world. Quite literally, because if you have read about my writing style before you knew I write on pen and paper as well as typing. I like the tactile sensation of working through writer's block by putting orders down with ink and seeing how I still feel about that scene when I am actually typing up.

        As a child, writing was my release. It was how I dealt with my feeling and how I organized my thoughts. Now it is as paramount as breathing. It is how I create content girls and women like me wished they had when it seemed like the world was crashing in and they wanted to read about someone who knew about their experiences... Who shared features with them and knew that coconut oil was life. I write and for the most part, it is for me. It feeds that creative part of me, but it is also for my sisters, friends, aunts, and for the women who read the books traditionally offered by mainstream media and feel unfulfilled because they aren't pale skinned. They aren't natural blondes with beautiful blue eyes.

        Their hair is kinky. Their eyes are, for the most part, varying shades of brown. Their universe doesn't necessarily start or end with the ghetto and gansta life. They want to believe in the supernatural for a few hours during the day and to read about a heroine that looks like them finding love with a hero. They want that ever elusive happily ever after.

        You know the one... With the guy on horseback, preferably with no shirt, a pearly white smile, and bulging arm muscles. 

        I want the people who read my books to dream. About their wishes. About their future... I want them to read those books and know their futures are unbelievably bright. Happily ever after isn't just for our paler friends. It is for us. Our Princes aren't just disowned royals without a dime to their name and aspirations of being a musician.

Contact Info:

Website:

www.DurandPublishing.net

Facebook:

Durand Publishing

Wintr's Homecoming

Jaguar Nights

Instagram:

Jensawanderingthoughts

New year, New Lies We Tell Ourselves...

    I don't make new years resolutions. Usually because that would require thinking about my life beyond the next week and that most often leads to a spiral. I find it is best for my mental stability to only take things a week at a time. This year has just begun and I have already had a few verbal arguments (I'm trying guys), done some charitable giving (Supporting a college aged sister counts right?), and wished I lived on a remote island only accessible by amazon planes so I can use my "prime" shipping.

    My life, like most others, is full of ups and downs. Twist and turns... Loops and nosedives. Last year was another year of growing I needed and offered a lot of hurdles. But I am still standing. My legs are still moving and occasionally I feel like running.

    This year I want give myself a chance to make some real changes. This year I want to make a few resolutions. Don't get too excited, this may turn into a pack of lies (hence the title).

    This year I want to do for the year of 2018:

        1. Kiss a man without knowing his first name (Overcoming some very serious germaphobia)

        2. Write at least four books (While maintain some semblance of a life and working full time)

        3. Go somewhere with a lot of sand and sun (Can't waste a winter of getting beach body ready right? Ha, yeah right.)

      4. Go on a date with a man I did not immediately regret getting dressed up for (Dude, why are you not even worth the effort I put into blending into my              concealer?)

        5. Stand up in a room full of people and shine. (Can't just save the smartassery for my house and close friends)

        6. Walk away from unnecessary drama, even when I know I am right, because it is not worth the years subtracted from my life (It is just sooo hard!!!)

    Right! So there it is. My list of resolutions/possible lies. It is, a few weeks late I know, but at least it is here and in the right month.

    I know it has been a while since I have posted. Life got crazy... Books needed writing... Bills needed to be paid. Haha. But I want to reassure you all of those things will happen again this year and I will manage to get a post up at least one a month. Writing as good a balm as any for a antisocial introvert like me. I get to share my thoughts without having to have a prolonged conversation where I am constantly reviewing what I said to make sure I don't offend delicate sensibilities (have I mentioned I can be a bit of a smartass?).

    I want this space to be a safe place, a reprieve from the crazy that is the outside world. I want those who read my work to laugh, cry, and walk away from the scenes that pushed all of their buttons until they have found their happy median again.

    This year will be the year of faith and adventure. Do you want to be a part of it?

Contact Info:

Website:

www.DurandPublishing.net

Facebook:

Durand Publishing

Wintr's Homecoming

Jaguar Nights

Instagram:

Jensawanderingthoughts

Therapy

The wishes I have are simple.

The hopes I have are not new.

The things I have seen are not unheard of.

The faith I have has been betrayed.

My trust has not gone untested.

My heart has been broken.

But my eyes do see things.

My ears do hear.

My ways may be different.

My insight difficult to hear.

But I do know one thing.

It must be heard.

Jen A. Durand

Completed Works

Secrets, Lies, & Betrayal Series:

Wintr’s Homecoming: Secrets

Jaguar Nights: Lies

Pearl Moon: Betrayal

Shadowy Lights: Fear

Cold Sun: Obsession

The Virgins Club:

The Planner

The Fixer

The Dreamer

Lipstick Diaries:

Shy Meets Bold

Wicked Meets Bad Boy

Confident Meets Bold

Solo Romances:

The Prince’s Heart

Closing The Deal

Things We Left Unsaid

Stuck Between Two Millionaires

Twins For Christmas

Lasting Kind Of Love

True Match Arrangements:

Billionaire’s Perfect Bride
Billionaire's Contracted Family

The Young and The Powerful

Witch’s Reflection

Regret

My fear controlled me.

The weight of it surrounded me.

I feared myself.

My world.

My future.

I feared living a life of failure.

Now I only fear the regret of not trying.

Jen A. Durand

Completed Works

Secrets, Lies, & Betrayal Series:

Wintr’s Homecoming: Secrets

Jaguar Nights: Lies

Pearl Moon: Betrayal

Shadowy Lights: Fear

Cold Sun: Obsession

The Virgins Club:

The Planner

The Fixer

The Dreamer

Lipstick Diaries:

Shy Meets Bold

Wicked Meets Bad Boy

Confident Meets Bold

Solo Romances:

The Prince’s Heart

Closing The Deal

Things We Left Unsaid

Stuck Between Two Millionaires

Twins For Christmas

Lasting Kind Of Love

True Match Arrangements:

Billionaire’s Perfect Bride
Billionaire's Contracted Family

The Young and The Powerful

Witch’s Reflection

Where Do I See Myself In Five Years...

Someone asked me that question during a mock interview and it floored me a little. Not because I do not think about my future or what I want in that future. But because the way I think of it is not in the way a prospective employer or business partner. In the same way I do not think of success in terms of awards or accolades.

I do things, not in the hopes that they will be well received, but in the hopes I never regret not doing it. People say it is better to say sorry, than to ask for permission and be denied. Stepping into this world of adulthood it is becoming more and more apparent that nothing in life happens according to plan.

In some ways I guess I believe in fate. Not in the sense that people have no control over their future, but in the sense that there are things people have to go through. There is hurt people have to feel and lessons people have to learn.
I live a relatively tame life. I personally think that I am a boring person. Individually. My family as a whole has its moments. But me on a daily basis is the normal grind of a girl trying to carve out a life of success for herself. Maybe it's because I write female leads with such dramatic, comedic, and amazing sex lives that my life just pales in comparison?
I work, hang with friends or family, cook, write, respond to emails. Occusionaply on my off hours I do legal research for family members who believe I live off of prayers and plates of rice. (Though I shouldn't complain too much because they do feed me and prayers are always appreciated.) My present is full, crazy, stressful, busy, and happy for the most part. My future will hopefully be the same way.

When I think of the future it is not in set markers. I think about it in the sense of personal success. I approach work with the mindset that my hard work may not always be rewarded, but at least I know I did the best that I could.
In five years, I want to be stronger, wiser, and smarter than I am today. I want to be surrounded in a eco system of love. I want to own a house. Run a financially solid business. Excel in my professional field and be the kind of person I have always wanted to be.

I hope to be independent and happy in whatever position I am in because I know I have dreams and the tools to reach them. Now try saying all of that to a prospective employer and not feeling like you have talked to much. Hence why that is a question I am constantly searching for the canned answer for. The future a fluid thing with all sorts of ripples and waves. I have no clue where I will be or the people who will be beside me. But I do know in five or ten years I will be successful...
Because in my mind I am successful here and now. Just by being able to be myself, learn, change, mold my future, and reach for what I want without asking permission, but occasionally tossing apologies over my shoulder.

Completed Works

Secrets, Lies, & Betrayal Series:

Wintr’s Homecoming: Secrets

Jaguar Nights: Lies

Pearl Moon: Betrayal

Shadowy Lights: Fear

Cold Sun: Obsession

The Virgins Club:

The Planner

The Fixer

The Dreamer

Lipstick Diaries:

Shy Meets Bold

Wicked Meets Bad Boy

Confident Meets Bold

Solo Romances:

The Prince’s Heart

Closing The Deal

Things We Left Unsaid

Stuck Between Two Millionaires

Twins For Christmas

Lasting Kind Of Love

True Match Arrangements:

Billionaire’s Perfect Bride
Billionaire's Contracted Family

The Young and The Powerful

Witch’s Reflection

I Was That Friend...

I was that friend, 

with the coke bottle glasses.

The tightly gripped notebook.

And the fear of attention.

I was that friend,

constantly telling you to get down from there.

To walk with care.

To do your homework.

I was that friend,

you would call when you were finally ready to listen to reason.

Or you would tease because she was writing or reading.

I was that friend,

who cried when you did.

Who laughed when you did.

Who fought with you like only siblings would.

I am the friend,

constantly checking on your welfare.

Encouraging you to reach for your dreams.

Encouraging you to laugh because you will live longer.

And who talks too much on occasion.

I am that friend,

because you are my friend.

Completed Works

Secrets, Lies, and Betrayal Series:

Wintr’s Homecoming: Secrets

Jaguar Nights: Lies

Pearl Moon: Betrayal

Shadowy Lights: Fear

Cold Sun: Obsession

The Virgins Club:

The Planner

The Fixer

Lipstick Diaries:

She Meets Bold

Wicked Meets Bad Boy

The Prince’s Heart

Things Left Unsaid

Stuck Between Two Millionaires

Lasting Kind Of Love

Closing The Deal

The Ever Hopeful Pessimist.

My readers know my genre is romance. I love love. And write about Prince Charming and Princess Smarty. I like to think that the characters I create are realistic to readers, but they also reflect my some of my more pessimistic tendencies. My cautious approach to relationships and the belief that there is always someone in the relationship that has to work a little more to be comfortable being the recipient of that much love and be okay with the connection you are now sharing with this person.

The other day I attended an early thanksgiving dinner and somehow, in someway, we got into the conversation of relationships, love, prenups, and marriage. I was in a room full of people in various stages of life and was the only one singing praises of the prenup.

I titled this blog pose "The Ever Hopeful Pessimist" because I am hopeful in all things, but through it all I can be slightly pessimistic.

I am like most girls, I think. Well... Maybe like a few girls.

More and more millennial are not interested in marriage, at least according to the statistic. I am of the marry in the "passion of love" variety.

For me the governmental reasons of marriage are not the reasons to do it. Marriage comes in two parts. There is the legal part and the spiritual part.

The legal part is the very cut and dry part most people suffer through to go through the spiritual part. To go before your family and friends and declare your present and future love for that other person.

The spiritual part can happened without the legal part. Your union can be blessed by whatever religious figure you hold in high esteem without the legal side.

But people do the legal side because they want the legal benefits that go along with marriage. Yet when someone brings up the idea of a prenup, you have offended someone to their deepest core. As if by mention it you are planning for the upcoming divorce.

I swear the entire room was in an uproar. The more I dug in my heels the more animated the conversation became. It was like I had announced to the room I wanted to  host a divorce before the actual marriage.

We are taught to prepare for eventualities in life and to take precautions. Before you have sex get tested. (Though this is rarely ever sexy.)

When you become an adult?

 Pay your bills. Have medical, dental, and car insurance. We do this not in the hopes we will become sick, need a filling or dentures, and will crash our cars. We do it because it is responsible planning.

But extend that to a prenup and suddenly you are planning a war against love and pushing away true romantic happiness.

Yet I believe love to be accepting and enduring. I think those vows spoken during that ceremony means we have done the work before hand. We know each other. We trust each other and the thing that breaks this ever lasting love will not be an agreement that is only enacted if we actually do divorce?

Traditionally I always enter into parties with the same game plan. Smile wide. Everyone kisses each other's cheek in greeting. Little bit of small talk. Collect my plate and go.

But that night I was dragged into the conversation because I have still not perfected the art of leaving. When I am interested in a topic. I have diarrhea of the mouth. I won't give up and I can't give in.

Especially when I am told that the only way I could think this way is if I have not experienced enough love in my life.

Even discounting my own personal experience in love. Romance and marriage take up large blocks of my mind. It rules over me and pushes me. From an intellectual level. An imaginative one.

Romance, love, connection, sex, sacrifice, and marriage. All of it is in my writing. I dream about it, I write about it. I talk about it and I try to live the really good bits of it.

I am in love with love and yet still this "ever hopeful pessimist" wants a prenup. As poor as we may be.

Completed Works:

The Secrets, Lies, and Betrayal Series:

Wintr’s Homecoming: Secrets

Jaguar Nights: Lies

Pearl Moon: Betrayal

Shadowy Lights: Fear

Cold Sun: Obsession

The Virgins Club:

The Planner

The Fixer

Lipstick Diaries

Shy Meets Bold

Wicked Meets Bad Boy

The Prince’s Heart

Things Left Unsaid

Closing The Deal

The Young and The Powerful

Witch’s Reflection

High Heels?

The other day I was headed off to a job interview. I was on my professional grind. Wearing a wig to cover my natural curls and a red A-line dress. This happen to be the second interview for this particular company, I was confident in my outfit choice. Then my baby sister stopped me and pointed to my black flats.

"Where are your heels?"

I live in New York and the interview was in a part of the city where parking is an olympic sport. Riding the train would have taken me a full twenty minutes longer just based off of where I lived. I knew that by driving I would have a walk ahead of me. So I opted for sensible shoes not "lady shoes".

Because I was in a hurry I did not respond, but her question bothered me. It was passively saying that as a woman looking for a job. Opting for flats was somehow less professional then showing up with heels.

I love a good heel. They look nice and give me a warm feminine feeling when I am wearing them. But they are uncomfortable!!! Prolonged exposure causes aches and my boobs do a good enough job of that on their own...

When did heels become the uniform of choice for professional women. As if wearing them suddenly raises my IQ and makes me more hireable.

Why? 

Am I proving actual suffering for the job by wearing them? Does it solidify my commitment to working in some way by walking the four blocks it took me to get there in heels, that have by now, rubbed my toes raw? Though I am sure my sister did not mean to imply such things in her innocent enough question. I found myself thinking about all of the things I do when I go on an interview.

I wear the expensive dress, nice blazer, and the makeup I usually only pull on for special occasions. I braid down the kinks and where the wig with the highlighted ringlets. Those things add to my natural beauty, but also hide the things "the powers that be" have deemed unkempt and unprofessional.

Even during my own graduation from graduate school, I found myself surrounded by aunts all voicing their opinion about whether wearing my afro beneath that cap was appropriate. I was treated to multiple explanations as to why that would not fly. How professional african american woman did not wear their natural curls, but wear locks of long straight hair with professionally styled curls.

These women who taught me how to dress, comb my hair, braid, and express my inner diva. Were telling me that showing my roots was some how detracting from what I had accomplished. My afro became this unworthy thing and the only remedy was to hide it away behind weaves.

Why? Why do I have to assimilate to be proven worthy when I have done the most important part in getting my qualifications? Why can I not wear the clothes most comfortable to me when I have spent the last twenty years of my life receiving the education necessary to make me competent to do the job? 

What about those heels give you confidence in my ability?

Completed Works:

The Secrets, Lies, and Betrayal Series:

Wintr’s Homecoming: Secrets

Jaguar Nights: Lies

Pearl Moon: Betrayal

Shadowy Lights: Fear

Cold Sun: Obsession

The Virgins Club:

The Planner

The Fixer

Lipstick Diaries

Shy Meets Bold

Wicked Meets Bad Boy

The Prince’s Heart

Things Left Unsaid

Closing The Deal

The Young and The Powerful

Witch’s Reflection