Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts

Sunday, January 14, 2018

New year, New Lies We Tell Ourselves...


    I don't make new years resolutions. Usually because that would require thinking about my life beyond the next week and that most often leads to a spiral. I find it is best for my mental stability to only take things a week at a time. This year has just begun and I have already had a few verbal arguments (I'm trying guys), done some charitable giving (Supporting a college aged sister counts right?), and wished I lived on a remote island only accessible by amazon planes so I can use my "prime" shipping.
    My life, like most others, is full of ups and downs. Twist and turns... Loops and nosedives. Last year was another year of growing I needed and offered a lot of hurdles. But I am still standing. My legs are still moving and occasionally I feel like running.
    This year I want give myself a chance to make some real changes. This year I want to make a few resolutions. Don't get too excited, this may turn into a pack of lies (hence the title).
    This year I want to do for the year of 2018:
        1. Kiss a man without knowing his first name (Overcoming some very serious germaphobia)
        2. Write at least four books (While maintain some semblance of a life and working full time)
        3. Go somewhere with a lot of sand and sun (Can't waste a winter of getting beach body ready right? Ha, yeah right.)
      4. Go on a date with a man I did not immediately regret getting dressed up for (Dude, why are you not even worth the effort I put into blending into my              concealer?)
        5. Stand up in a room full of people and shine. (Can't just save the smartassery for my house and close friends)
        6. Walk away from unnecessary drama, even when I know I am right, because it is not worth the years subtracted from my life (It is just sooo hard!!!)
    Right! So there it is. My list of resolutions/possible lies. It is, a few weeks late I know, but at least it is here and in the right month.
    I know it has been a while since I have posted. Life got crazy... Books needed writing... Bills needed to be paid. Haha. But I want to reassure you all of those things will happen again this year and I will manage to get a post up at least one a month. Writing as good a balm as any for a antisocial introvert like me. I get to share my thoughts without having to have a prolonged conversation where I am constantly reviewing what I said to make sure I don't offend delicate sensibilities (have I mentioned I can be a bit of a smartass?).
    I want this space to be a safe place, a reprieve from the crazy that is the outside world. I want those who read my work to laugh, cry, and walk away from the scenes that pushed all of their buttons until they have found their happy median again.
    This year will be the year of faith and adventure. Do you want to be a part of it?

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Friday, March 24, 2017

Chapter 4 (Except From "Things We Left Unsaid")




4



Paint Day
Humming she bent down slowly. The pregnancy slowed everything down. She was using a knife to open the can of buttercream paint she brought last week. Today was paint day and nothing was going to stop her.
Not even her pregnant protruding belly. They were going to do everything themselves. Taylor insisted she and Ian be the ones to decorate the rooms their child would sleep in. It was what expectant parents did. It was a bonding opportunity for the both of them.
Plus it was fun watching Ian struggle with figuring out how to work most of the tools. Used to paying others to decorate his home. Ian did not have a clue where to start.
Most of her morning had been spent directing him on how to properly prime the walls and place the painters tape. Carefully placing the paint top on the ground she bit her lip in concentration.
“Are you sure you want to paint the room yellow,” Ian asked for the fiftieth time.
Taylor smiled and looked over her shoulder. Shirtless, Ian looked sexy as he walked into the room wearing only sweat pants and carrying a cup of coffee. Because she refused to know the sex of the baby, he had been pushing for more gender-neutral colors.
“It is not yellow. It is buttercream.”
“Right, buttercream.”
Taylor picked up the paintbrush beside her and stirred the paint. “We chose a zoo theme. The buttercream will brighten the entire room.”
As he took a sip of his coffee, Ian walked over to her and slipped his hand over hers. Gently taking the paintbrush from her.
“You did most of the priming. I will do this. The last thing we need is this baby coming early because you can’t sit still.”
“Dee says I am nesting.”
“And I am all for it, but how about I take my turn?”
Taylor rolled her eyes and sat back as she gently rubbed her abdomen. In three more weeks she would finally be able to see her toes again.
The paint covers on their floor crinkled beneath her as Ian handed her his cup. She held it up to her nose and breathed deep.
“You have a serious problem.”
“It smells so good,” Taylor moaned longingly and settled onto the floor.
Oh caffeine… How she missed thee? She had given up coffee, sushi, hard liquor, red meat, and heels. Taylor practically lived in yoga pants and loose flowing blouses.
Ian only drank his coffee black. So simple. So plain. But she would take it. She would take anything at this point.
She liked her coffee with just a drop of creamer. No sugar. Or honey. Just creamer to make it just a little brown. Ian poured the paint into a pan and dipped his brush in.
Taylor sat back to watched her husband’s first attempt at painting. Licking her lips, she watched as the muscles in his back rippled. She really was a lucky girl, Taylor thought playfully.
The baby kicked causing Taylor to chuckle. “Keep up the good work and I will have to think up some type of prize.”
Ian laughed. The deep tenor of his voice sent spark of lust through her spin. Lately when she wasn’t thinking about food, she was thinking about sex. Her mind would spin off into these wild fantasies about Ian and herself sans the sixty pound she’d gained carrying their child.
Shaking her had she cocked her head to the side and studied the room. Because they weren’t sure about the baby’s gender. Taylor had opted for a gender-neutral room. Lots of non-specific gender colors.
“I still think we should paint a mural from a scene in the book “Where The Wild Things Are”,” Taylor wondered aloud.
“You are going to give the kid nightmares.”
“My kid is going to be fearless,” Taylor denied.
Ian dipped the brush back in the paint. “Fearless, huh?”
Taylor nodded. “Of course, with me as his or her mom. What else could he or she be?”
“Just you, huh?” Ian grinned over his shoulder.
Taylor caught his intense dark grey eyes. She could see the love and desire there. Ambling to her feet, Taylor had long given up looking like the graceful pregnant lady. She walked over to him and slipped her arms around his waist.
Kissing his shoulder blade before she laid her head on his shoulder. Taylor breathed in his scent.
“I am sure you will help too.”
*          *          *
There was an insistent buzz in his ears. Once Taylor dropped her bomb, Ian could not think or hear. He forgot everything and insisted she take him to Saint.
His son.
He had a son. Saint was currently sitting in Taylor’s lap and explaining to her the importance of a puppy in his life. Taylor was listening with an indulgent smile. They were seated on the cream leather sofa across from him.
Ian could hardly believe what he was seeing. The boy was smiling as he faced his mother. His curly hair looked brown beneath the sunlight streaming in through the main window of Taylor’s living room.
Saint had not paid much attention to him since their introduction. His campaign for a dog was not superseded by his curiosity over the stranger his mom brought home.
“The puppy can sleep on my bed. And Deedee and I can walk him. And feed him.”
Taylor rubbed his back as she sighed as she talked to him patiently. “Puppies like space. Living in our apartment would be torture for a puppy.”
“Piper has a dog. And she lives across the hall,” Saint pointed out.
“Piper’s dog is tiny,” Taylor reasoned.
Ian stared at the picture the two of them presented. Taylor had walked away from their marriage with enough money to by five homes and a small boat. Instead she lived in a small three-bedroom apartment.
From what he’d seen, Taylor drove a four-door sedan and did not dress in designer clothes. She’d never been a big spender. Because of the way she grew up, Taylor was practically allergic to what she considered to be wasteful spending.
“Mom,” Saint exclaimed placing his hand on Taylor’s cheek, “a boy needs a dog. Its man’s best friend.”
Taylor bit her lip in an effort not to laugh. “Okay”
Holding up her hands in surrender, Taylor nodded and smiled down at the boy. “How about this? If you stay out of trouble for a week with both Deedee and I. I will start looking for a dog.”
The toothy grin on his son’s face made Ian want to run out and buy a dog. The kid was perfect and he was health. The kid was his.




Monday, March 13, 2017

Friday, March 3, 2017

Loss ( Except From "Things We Left Unsaid")


Sometimes it felt as if there was no more air left in this world. As if she could not breathe because all of it had been sucked out of the room and there was nothing left for her. It took everything inside of her, not to shatter into a million pieces. To hide her pain from everyone.
Taylor gathered her legs to her chest and gasped for precious breath. No one truly understood the way she felt. No one knew what if felt like to lose something she’d been sure was safe inside of her. Someone so precious.
The pale buttercream walls, zoo themed accents, and empty wood carved crib. Her daughter’s nursery. The one she insisted they paint together and stocked full of everything a baby could need. How many times had she come in here just to make sure nothing was out of place? She wanted everything to be perfect for the day she got to bring their baby home.
Ian tried not to look in the direction of this room. Swallowing hard, she laid her head on her jean covered knees. He wanted to pack everything up. Put the loss behind them and move on. But she couldn’t do it just yet. There was an ache that just would not fade. A sorrow she just could not release.
Touching the dark green long sleeved onesie in her hand, she tried to imagine what Reese would have looked like in something so small. Imagine what her daughter would have looked like if she lived. If Taylor had done a better job of keeping her safe.
Tears coursed across her nose as she heard a shuffle behind her. Ian must have come home early. She planned to leave the room before he came back. He didn’t like her coming in here. Didn’t like seeing her like this. His grief was more reserved.
She’d only seen him cry twice. That night in the hospital and the day they buried her. She could feel the weight of his gaze before he turned and walked away. They weren’t in sync any more. She could feel it and didn’t know how to change it.
Or if she had the energy to do more than she was already doing. He was supposed to be the one she could lean on. Instead he made her feel like her grief was taking to long. As if this was a wound that should have scabbed over already.
She was trying.
She made sure he woke up with her beside him. Smiled as she cooked him breakfast and sent him off to work. Laughed even when all she wanted to do was lay down on the floor of this nursery. This wasn’t healthy and she knew it. But it was what she needed and trying to pretend that it wasn’t… Took a lot out of her.
Sniffling she wiped her face and sat up. Taylor wasn’t the same woman he’d married. The passion and strength that had guided her most of her life was nowhere in sight. She felt crumpled and fixing it was hard when all she could see is what they’d lost.
Jen A. Durand