The Wait

When I was younger sex was not something that was talked about in my life. There were so many other things going on. The sex talk kind of fell to the wayside. My mother focused more on talking to her children about entering the right type of relationship. Newly divorced and left to raise four children on her own, she wanted her daughters to avoid the mistakes of her past. She instilled in us the belief that a relationship. A real loving relationship had to be based on more then just the physical. Its foundation had to be equal parts friendship, loyalty, honesty, and kindness.

The physical part. Sex has the ability to mask things. It usually flips a switch where the girl or guy stop trying to get to know each other and they drown in the pleasure of each others touch. Most female children are raised to view their sexuality as something that grants men all of the power. Allowing a man who is not your husband into your bed is shameful. Except it isn’t, at least not in my mind. The decision to share that part of yourself with others is something I would recommend approaching with thoughtful care, but is not intrinsically bad.

My decision to wait was not grounded in my religious background or pressed upon me by my parents. I am not frigid. I am stimulated by the touch of those I find attractive. Waiting was a decision reached by my own observations of the relationships around me. The healthy ones and the not so healthy ones. One of the things that I realized is that goals are important. Setting them and recognizing your strengths and weaknesses can be the deciding factor of whether or not your relationship works. This is harder to do when you have this person that makes your heart race. Your legs quiver. And your lips tingle.

Lust is a drug and if you have an addictive personality you can drown in it. Or to be a little more accurate you can drown in the wrong person. Abstaining does add a strain to a romantic relationship. It can make things awkward. People get frustrated but even in the frustration things are learned. Does this person get angry when they are denied something? Are they understanding? Are they willing to think about your needs and respect a decision they may not like?

Sex is a three-letter word with multiple meanings and a heavy weight. It opens doors and locks others. For some sex means everything and for others it means nothing. It is just this thing that happens when the mood hits you and holds no other significance. This is why I believe goals are important.

Ask yourself:

1. What do you want?

A. Be honest. If a relationship is not what you want then say it. If it is, then
move on to question two.

2. What are the qualities you value in others? In a partner?

A. Family
B. Social standing
C. Ambition
D. Religion

3.What can you live with and what can you live without?

A. The deal breakers

I. Single father (Widow)
II. Single father (Baby Mothers/Ex-wife)
III. Extreme Flirt
IV. Extreme Gamer

4. Can you compromise? Do you need someone who does?

5. Do you want someone who will treat you like a Queen without expecting you
to open your legs?

6. Do you want the person you have sex with to be the one you embark on the
road of marriage with?

A. Marriage is not a permanent thing. Divorce happens. But it something in
which two people are agreeing to bind themselves to each other
financially, and physically. They are splintering symbolically from the
families created by their parents to create a fragile ecosystem of their
own.

My decision to what in this world of “Netflix and Chill” was based off of the goals I set for myself. I am not expecting to meet the perfect mate. But I am expecting to meet the man who views sex with the same seriousness I do. Who understands, if not agrees, that sexual chemistry while supremely important is not what makes or breaks a lasting relationship. Compatibility in personality, interest and a willingness to devote ourselves into weaving a bond that will not rot even when the sex stops. The hair thins and turns greys. My breast sag and his balls drops.